Sunday 27 May 2018

Generic Football Shouting - Hampton & Richmond Borough FC Vs Braintree Town FC, National League South Promotion Final 2018, Beveree (13/05/18)

Have we made a wrong turning somewhere? Everything we’ve passed so far, are the same things we always pass when making our way to south west London, a busy Kew Gardens with bustling queues of horticulturally minded people, the “time travel tea room” that Tom always points out and sunny Richmond, but when we see a sign for “The Hamptons”, and as much as a day out in the upmarket Long Island community of the rich and famous would be, I do for a second wonder if my already unreliable Sat Nav has finally given up the ghost.

South west London's suburbs seem to be gleaming even more than usual today, there is something about this neck of the woods, that regardless of the weather, it always looks highly polished. Nestled at the end of one of its cul de sacs, not far from the Thames, its presence only signified by an understated sign above a red brick wall, is the Beveree, home of Hampton & Richmond Borough FC (HB).

Stuck to the front of the aforementioned sign, along with the date and today's fixture, is a single piece of A4 paper, on it in red it reads “GAME SOLD OUT”. These three words are about as common at a non league match as a full and comprehensive post match warm down, and rarely, and I mean rarely, certainly in our experience, they are only ever seen at this time of season.

“Mmmmmmm BBQ” says Tom, only having just stepped the other side of the blue iron gates to the ground. “We’ve got plenty of beer” says Rob, the HB head of media in his club tie, who informs us that today they have an “outside and inside bar” in preparation of the sell out crowd.

The charcoal of said BBQ, that Tom has already keanly sniffed out, is only smoldering, they as of yet are to take on the crucial shade of white, meaning its primed for cooking, “wonder when they will be ready?”. Such is our eager arrival time, although we are not the only ones, the entrance to pitchside is yet to be opened. It’s not a fence, gate or barrier stopping you, but two high viz wearing security guards, and one of those elasticated line devices commonly found near the till of your local department store.

For Rob, it's his last day in his current role and what a way to see out his tenure than with a final, with a place in the National League, one promotion from the football league at stake. The enormity of the occasion is clearly written across his face.The “3,000” sell out crowd of course comes with its own responsibilities, but he admits with a sly grin on his face that the ground “will be bouncing” come kick off.

It is deceptively warm, not overly sunny, but still balmy. The ground still all but deserted, means I have the pick of places to sit, to take a moment to try and fathom how all those people are going to fit in to such a tight stadium. Surrounded by trees and nearby houses, so close are its neighbours that they don’t play music here on matchdays so as to not disturb them.

Around us the weather is discussed, as people offer familiar faces warm and nervous “hellos”. Most are more inclined to talk about the agreable climes, than to dwell on the gravity of the ninety minutes to come. Two of HB’s media team are in vastly differing states of mind. “I’m ok” says one, pointing to his colleague though, he is quite the opposite, “he’s lost his head, glad he’s not playing”. The weight of the occasion is clearly visible affecting him as he fidgets, quite unsure what to do with himself. He repeats over and over like some victim of shell shock the same fact about HB’s opponents today, “not conceded a goal in 453 mins”.

On the pitch and looking a lot less agitated, in their luminous orange fringed tracksuits, are what stand between HB and promotion, the players of Braintree Town FC (BT).

With more eyes on you than normal, this of course for the entrepreneurial minded out there, is a great opportunity to make a bit more money. One such way is sponsorship, not ball sponsorships as you sometimes see at games, that has been deemed “not allowed” by the league according to the moustache wearing man in the sharp grey suit, but the sponsorship of the “team sheet” which has been given the green light. Ingenious or a step too far?

It’s quite easy to distinguish a BT fan from a HB one. It's the orange, the unmistakable and blinding orange of BT’s home kit. The newly arrived BT family, a Mum, Dad and child stick out like a sore thumb, such is the glare coming from the scarf hanging from her bag, and as more and more arrive, some sporting scratchy looking nylon wigs, they look like they could be used as some kind of road safety aid.

The blue container that passes as the club shop is suitably filled with all the necessary tat that one would expect. The large plush head of a hat wearing beaver, the first reference today to HB’s quite excellent nickname, in one corner, it's large eyes looking up at me, mouth open showing off his prominent front teeth, is a little odd, but having been going to non league football as long as we have now, one becomes immune to such things.

“Golden goal, programme” calls the man in the blue and red striped scarf gently, in keeping with the genteel surroundings, no barrowboy bellowing here. It's not from the shed that I pluck my tickets from the small white box from this time, like I did the last time we came here, two years ago, but from underneath a gleaming white gazebo, another new addition to the ground for the big day.

We’re both surprised to find a seat in one corner of the inside bar. Half of it has been carved up in anticipation of long queues, signs litter the wall saying things like pay here. Thankfully Tom is not long at the bar, he’s not been held up by the appearance of more people in bright orange wigs. While he was gone a family have taken up the spot next to us, the father in the green and white stripes of Real Betis not the blue and red of HB or the orange of BT.

Once settled, Tom poses what might be his most ridiculous question of the season.

“I wonder if Richard Hammond has been here?” he ponders because the bar we are currently in is called Hammonds Bar. It's about now that part of me admitted to the rest of me that it's quite happy that today is our last game of the season.
Thankfully Tom has bigger fish to fry than wondering too long if a non league football teams bar is named after Richard ‘The Hamster’ Hammond, and that's filling his stomach.

“I've gotta eat, not running that gauntlet again”. Said “gauntlet” that Tom so poetically referenced, is the ‘not getting any food’ one. The use of the world “gauntlet” making the problem sound a lot more life and death then it actually is. After not managing to get a burger at King’s Lynn, because they had sold out, forcing him to get some chicken nuggets on the way home and forcing me to me to have to listen to him eating them, he is getting his food in early today.

Thankfully there is none of the melodrama we encountered in Norfolk, but as ever with Tom, he’s never happy. When I notice he has not got his usual side of chips he explains, “no chips, crisps, not the same”.

It's interesting to say the least some of the faces that the HB fans have pull, in the moments after asking them how they think they will get on today. It’s a face somewhere between ‘I just don't fucking know’ and ‘put me to sleep now and wake me up after its over, I just can't bare it’.

Talking to one HB supporter in a flat cap and club scarf, who points out he is also is yet to “recover” from the “horrible” sunshine we were subjected to at the Semi-Final in Chelmsford, he makes the point that I think most of those that we’ve met today will agree with, “you just don't know on the day”, and he's not the first person to point out that thing called pressure, that can affect people in all sorts of ways, “people play differently”.

All the stewards, all the people, all the angst he is feeling, feels far too much like “proper football” which he admits is not what he “signed up for”.

Ninety minutes to kick off and there is already an excellent buzz about the place, the what for a better word, you could call a courtyard outside the Top Gear themed bar is quickly filling up, one of the programme sellers is doing rounds of the crowd selling them from out of a grey bucket and a solitary copper looks on, who as of yet has I’m sure, had nothing to do.

BT’s manager does what looks like the team sheet, crouched on the pitch, juggling between both hands a pen, a white polystyrene cup and his mobile.

“Think I went to the wrong place, they do chips” says Tom, when he notices the long line running down the side of the clubhouse, the small window at its head, doing frantic business. Many spots in the stands and covered terraces are steadily starting to be occupied.

There is much toing and froing being done by a multitude of people in different states of high viz dress. Those who are what you might say more senior, those with headsets look calm, those a little further down the pecking order, hired for the day I imagine look a little bit like fish out of water.

I overhear a crackled message over one nearby walkie talkie, that sends the stewards in
to overdrive, “road blocked outside”, another message flashes over the network, “Braintree have arrived, four coaches, request more stewards”.

None of the chatter among those in charge with keeping a lid on any over excited fans today, is to do
with what I have been told by a few people already, is the imminent arrival of the unified world heavyweight champion, Anthony Joshua.

Dan one of the newly arrived BT fans, who is not wearing a wig, although more and more of them are, the Essex wig stocks must be nigh on depleted by now, has a drum instead. He is “surprised” the ground has not been “segregated”, he tells me if it had been “at our ground, it would have”.

The sun does its best to poke out from behind the clouds, but quickly pokes back in again. We are treated to our first announcement over the PA “good afternoon and welcome to The Accord Beveree Stadium”. A passing car beeps its horn in support and in the distance I can make out faint chanting, “making all the noise” I suspect it's some approaching BT fans, but I can’t be sure

I wish I didn’t have my sodding jumper with me, with the sun now insisting on sticking around, I’m far too bloody warm.

“Who are ya, who are ya?” ask some of the BT fans whose number since the panicked message about the four coaches, has increased dramatically, in response to the first low and slow rendition of everyone's family friendly, but also a bit smutty chant, if you are that way inclined, of “beavers, beavers, beavers”.

Dans drum gets its first outing as do a couple of orange balloons, that bob about in the terrace by the corner flag, where the majority of the BT fans now stand, as the BT players arrive for their warm up. ”I feel like there is more of them, than there is of us” says one nearby HB supporter, talking about the orange invasion, that has somewhat taken over this quiet corner of South West London.

There is more talk of AJ, “he’s been seen in the local area” says one person. Discussion of the apparent sighting of who is no doubt a pretty major sporting star, soon fades away, as the home team appear from the white extendable tunnel, the action of which is not dissimilar to that of the Alien Queens mouth from the Ridley Scott sci fi franchise. “Come on boys” shout the fans, as a ripple of applause quickly spreads around the ground.

“Sorry to be repetitive” says the apologetic voice over the PA, who retireates once again that there is to be no alcohol “in sight of the pitch”.

It’s hard to miss the HB unit, that is their Predator sized and Predator hair do wearing forward warming up. In the distance I can continue to hear the chanting, but its not getting any closer, I was expecting some sudden, flare waving influx of BT supporters, some great dramatic entrance, but it has yet to materialise. I do though notice the arrival of the once chief executive of the FA Brian Barwick, slinking up to the board room.

Forty minutes to go and both small all seater stands are all but full. A young boy on a scouting mission has to break the bad news to his Dad, “only one seat left”, Dad looks pissed. A BT fan is brandishing a tiny home made sign, which I can just about make out says “come on you iron”. There is even more talk about AJ, some people seemingly more pumped about the possibility of seeing him, than the game, “is he here yet?”

Some kids in front of us practice how they are going to get over the fence come the full time whistle. After much deliberation they have concluded that its a bit too high for a leg up, and if push comes to shove, they can just “roll over” it.

With still thirty minutes to kick off, one nearby HB fans tells his friend that the ground is the “most packed I’ve ever seen it”. A boy and girl both wearing orange and white checkered flags like capes pass us, as does a Sky Sport News presenter, with no cape, but that smarmy look on his face as they all seem to have.

The distant singing is finally getting louder, there are even more orange wigs, as well as people carrying inflatable palm trees one of them in a bright orange bowler hat. The voice over the PA is soon back again, “hello to those who have arrived since my last announcement. Still waiting on the team, so can't give you them”.

Tom is almost smug about his decision to have eaten when we did, there is according to him a “cat in hells chance” of getting anything now he says, the crowd now at a point where you really have to negotiate your way through it.

The covered terrace to our left is now a sea of orange, with people wearing big orange glasses, orange hats, garlands of fake orange flowers around their neck. “Iron, iron” they sing, not because of their resemblance to the famous Scottish drink, but because of the clubs origins as a works team for a steel framed window company. When the PA checks in again, this time with the teams, he reads out BT first who as he points out are “all in orange, you can't miss them”

Dan on his drum, who admitted to being “very, very nervous” can be heard even more frequently now. Whenever he starts to hammer out a beat, the fans around him start to sing, the HB fans near us, piggy back it and sing their own song to the same tune, “Hampton, Hampton”.

When it's the turn to read out the names of those starting for the “beavers” the voice describes their kits colours too, just like BT. The visiting fans do their best to drown him out with another, not related to scottish fizzy drink chant of, “iron, iron”.

The singing HB fans around us on the small section of uncovered steps behind the goal, below the balcony of the boardroom, are significantly outnumbered by those in orange, but still, just like they did then they were vastly outnumbered at Chelmsford, hold their own.

“We are going up” sing the ever swelling numbers to our left. Both sets of fans join together for one song, about a common enemy. Local rivals for BT, recent foe for HB, “we all hate Chelmsford clap your hands”. The BT supporters then emphasizes that rivalry with their next song, “we’re all having a party, because Chelmsford fucked it up”.

The elderly female HB fan with the homemade paper mache, sellotape covered megaphone, is going to struggle to be heard above the constant barrage of songs coming from both sets of fans. The drum is now a constant, somewhere deep inside the mass of BT supporters, Dan continues to bash away, “town army, town army”. The relatively young age of those around us, is soon picked up on by the HB fans, “you're going back to school on Monday”. One HB supporter takes instant umbridge to this slur, I’m not sure why, I’m pretty sure he was just talking about his GCSEs, he fires back with “go claim your pensions you old fucks”.

It's hard to argue with the claim that its the “Braintree boys making all the noise” in the moments running up to kick off, or at least what we thought was kick off, there has just been an announcement that the games start will be delayed ten minutes. Although the home fans are signing, “who to be a beaver”, one new arrival with a flag over his shoulder boosts the noise levels a bit, they are lacking a bit of that oomph they had at the Semi-Final.

With all the necessary Vanarama paraphernalia now out on the pitch, this game is about to begin.

I can barely hear myself think in the seconds following the appearance of the players. The PA’s description of the kits was only half right, BT are playing in white, but still have orange shorts on. A couple of streamers enter the pitch thrown by the BT fans, and its inflatable mayhem, more trees have appeared and someone has those stick clacker things they give out at Leicester City.

It's the HB fans who have to make the mad dash to other end of the pitch, the BT fans foresight and good luck to make camp on the terrace has paid off. They are able to continue as they were “iron, iron”. The HB fans have to battle past the pitch side crowds, but not before a quick rendition of a song they always sing about a “magic hat”.

“Get behind your teams and come on you beavers” says the voice over the PA excitedly, finally able to talk to us about as he put it, something other than “housekeeping” and public information announcements.

Its BT who have the first crack at goal, admittedly a half hearted one. “Can you hear the Hampton sing?” ask the BT fans following more deafening shouts of “iron, iron”. The HB supporters certainly look more unified all in one place now, but if I’m honest I can't hear them sing. All I can hear are the BT supporters, singing one song after another, “you are my Braintree, my only Braintree”.

In a brief lull, just after I notice an inflatable banana doing the rounds among the BT fans, Tom disappointingly points out that as of yet there has been “no AJ” however he is still hopeful of an appearance, “maybe he’ll do the trophy”.

HB’s first attempt is a little wild, and not on target, the rash shot comes at the end of a counter attack, after a BT corner, and ends up in the tall oak tree behind the stand. However about three minutes later, with what is probably only their second time near the BT goal, HB take the lead.

“Yesssssss, yessssss” shouts a HB fan who had not joined the migration to the other end, where a red smoke bomb is now billowing from the edge of the pitch, and the players have raced off to the side of the pitch to celebrate.

The response to going behind from the BT fans is almost instantaneous, “iron, iron, iron” and once the game has restarted, the players are back at it too, not seemingly too affected by conceding, quickly attacking down the wing, and winning a corner. The morale of the fans has far from been affected, if anything they are encouraged to sing even louder, “come on Braintree”, and one person has decided that now is as good a time as any, to blow up and chuck around a large inflatable football.

BT are big and physical, HB simply are not. The HB fan in the flat cap made the point before that they, and I tend to agree, “rode their luck in the semi”, and even though they are ahead, BT look far more convincing.

Now I get it, it can take me a while to cotton on to things sometimes, but now I understand the relevance of the trees, and the accompanying song of “we’ve brought a tree”, its because they are called Brain-tree. It's almost, but not as good as the Tranmere fans all with melons at Wembley last
season, because their manager is called Micky Mellon.

Another slight respite in the BT fans noise, means I can hear the occasional balloon being popped and the HB supporters, who feel a very long way away, banging the stand “who to be a beaver”. With fifteen minutes gone, there are still lots of people moving about, “late comers” Tom suggests. BT again flex their muscles on the pitch when the attacker shrugs off his defender with ease, bearing down on goal, he hasn't yet though seen the flag up for off side.

HB certainly look a lot better than they did in the semi-final, they could have been about three goals behind in the first ten minutes at the Melbourne Stadium. What they lack in brawn, they definitely make up in brains, showing off a few nifty touches and moves to get in good positions. One players turn, loses three markers in a flash, and his subsequent slide rule pass, has just a bit too much on it, the player who was inches away from getting on the end of, knew they were on to a good thing. He raises his thumb in recognition of the quick thinking.
The particularly dense clump of orange wigs to our right, who are all wearing matching play-off Final t-shirts too, join in the latest round of “iron, iron”, watching on as their team have what is probably their best attack since going behind, with about twenty minutes ago. The BT pressure continues to build as they go close again not long after, a low curled attempt is just blocked.

Bizarrely though, the woman next to me wearing a hands free kit, is celebrating, when no goals have been scored. Apparently there is another match, somewhere else in the country which is holding 50% of her attention.

“Get hold of it, get it down” demands one of the orange wig gang. His team do just that, going close for a third time in a matter of minutes. A super cross is perfectly placed for the player in middle of the six yard box to head home, somehow though the straining HB defender, who didn't look like he had enough spring to reach it to head it clear, does, just.

With the break edging ever closer, the pace final ten minutes certainly accelerates. Shouts of “cheat, cheat” rings out from the BT fans when a foul is given in favour of the HB keeper whose poor attempt to punch, where he just jumped on a team mate then fell on the floor, is deemed a foul, as Tom put it, “he just missed it”.

HB’s number 10 is certainly looking the liveliest of the HB team, he is able to turn on a sixpence, doing so twice in quick succession, one allows him to send a good ball down the wing, the second he does not far outside the box, this time he unleashes a shot, that sails just wide.

I do wish people would stop popping those balloons, they don't half make me jump.

“Sing when you're winning, you only sing when you're winning” suggest the BT fans, to the HB ones, who I don't think are even singing. In fact I’m not sure anyone is for the first time today. The BT fans around us are starting to grumble a bit, “get it on the deck” one demands, it has got mighty hoofy out there. They have good moments of build up play, but the passing is loose at times, much to the annoyance of the fans, “get hold of it”.

On the stroke of half time, the game is all square. Again a well placed cross, they have looked threatening all game from wide areas, finally pays off, and is nodded home from close range. Off heads the scorer, arms outstretched by his side, straight towards the BT fans, followed by his teammates.

“We know who we are, a pub team from Essex, we know who we are” sing the BT fans as the players head in. Those HB supporters already up this end, crowd either side of the tunnel, offering encouragement to the departing players, “come on beavers, come on”.

There is a monumental change of ends by the crowd, it's almost biblical. Each set of supporters pack up their worldly possessions, their inflatables in the case of the BT fans, and head to the opposite end of the ground. Maybe some will take the opportunity to get a tea or coffee from the “tuck shop” that the voice over the PA has just informed us all is open.

The sun thankfully is currently behind some clouds, and there is a much welcomed breeze. Now with a little bit of room, I’m able to sit down for a moment, where I am able to listen to a pretty comprehensive breakdown of the first half from a couple of HB fans.

“We invited it on ourselves, just sitting back” says one about the goal. “We don't generally concede lots of goal, but the ones we do are never well crafted”, replies another. The feeling from them all is that their team just didn't do enough, they “switched off”, when it came to trying to prevent the goal. One felt they had “half a dozen” opportunities to stop the goal “happening” but they didn't take any of them, “we’re not asserting ourselves”.

One of the fans though is pragmatic, “back to where we were at kick off”, one well let's say isn't, “they’re going to go in buzzing, we're going in crushed”.

The sun is back out, Spurs are losing to Leicester and the old lady with the homemade megaphone is back. It's pretty slow going for anyone trying to move about, there really is no space to move, no space to swing a cat, or even a beaver.

Once again the tunnel is manhandled into place. Gone are all the orange wigs, back are the young cohorts of a HB persuasion, “beavers, beavers” they sing. BT huddle just before kick off, HB do what can only be described as the hokey cokey.

It is an absolute solid bar of orange contained within the small covered terrace at the opposite end of the pitch, they’re still signing, “everywhere we go” but are not as intrusive on ones eardrums now. That is now the job of the small band around us, who it might just be me, are struggling to get into the swing of things. “La, la, la, la, Hampton” they attempt, but its lacking some of that energy we've come to know of them.

Late comers with burgers have missed the restart and are streaming past us, looking for a place to stand. The man next to me has taken it upon himself to single handedly berate the nearby linesman, “fuck off back to Cornwall” he screams. His thought process behind him giving an offside, when he didn't think it was, is because the assistant is “probably from Truro” who HB “knocked out” during their run to the Final.

“Let's get some fucking possesion” is the consensus of the HB supporters. They haven't really got going in the new half, in fact the first fifteen minutes have been a little bit stagnant, HB scrappy, BT solid. One fan with plenty of the game left to play and things all level, is already contemplating the worst, “I’m pro promotion” he says, his friend glares back at him, I think already knowing what he is about to say next “but it's not the end of the world” if they don't go up.

When the HB fans are told off for banging on the wall of the boardroom, their second half replacement for the hoarding, this does not go down well. “National League officials having their prawn sandwiches” shouts one in reply petulantly, like Rick from the Young Ones. This only adds to their general bad mood, as they had before been told they were not allowed to hang their flag from the balcony above us, as they normally would.

“Sing up Hampton, sing up Hampton” asks one HB fan behind us, standing on the final railing of the terrace, he waves his arms towards his fellow fans, trying to get a response. The megaphone lady is doing her bit, only now do I realise in her other hand she is holding a tiny stuffed beaver.

As far as the game is concerned, there is very little to report. There is a brief and collective intake of breath, which is held, but then quickly exhaled by the HB fans who think they may have just given away a penalty. BT then have a pop at goal, which is way over and gets a sarcastic “weyyyyyyyy”.

The main focus of one supporter, is not on the game, but at getting some kind of noise from the “fucking 3,000 of you, lets fucking hear you then”. This Churchillian rallying address gets a whole
string of songs “if you don't do the bouncy bouncy you’re from Staines” which is then followed by the whole terrace pogoing, no-one wants to be tarred with that brush. “AFC Wimbledon we’re coming for you” didn’t know there was beef between the two clubs, and “Alan Dowson’s red and blue army” aimed at their always animated, bald headed manager.

Half an hour gone, and I’m just going to say it, the game has gone a bit shit. The HB fans are so preoccupied singing about arson, it's all gone very Marshall Mathers, “one man and his petrol can, went to burn down Staines”, I’m not sure they have noticed.

HB are so deep, they almost concede from a shot that is blocked on the line, following a bit of a goalmouth scramble after a freekick. “I’ve not seen us have a chance since we scored” says a concerned HB fan quietly to the one next to him.

“Roll him off, roll him off, dig a grave, dig a grave” sings one particularly exasperated HB fan towards a supposedly injured BT player, tantalisingly close to the edge of the pitch, who insists he needs treatment, and can’t scooch the few feet off the pitch to allow play to continue. His decision to play possum is greeted with more disdain, so much so that one person just yells “generic football shouting” so on the face of things, they look like they’re taking part.

Into the last quarter of an hour, HB have a long range effort which is jeered by their own fans until one realizes, “to be fair isn't that our first shot of the half?”. In the distance I can hear the faint rumble of the BT drum, a bit closer to home and one person chucks his accumulator betting slip on the pitch, “fuck off Chelsea” he shouts as he does so.

HB’s hot headed keeper, who displayed his penchant for unnecessarily rushing out of goal in the semi-final, does it once again, it almost looks like he is wrestling with the BT forward, it looks for a moment as though he has yanked him to the floor. The ball is loose and falls to a BT player who attempts a shot at the now empty net, only for one HB player to be covering the line.

This calls for the introduction of the HB Predator, the unit, someone as he did in the semi-final, who is able to hold up the ball.

The HB fans are pensive, one has even resorted to calling the referee a “fucking wet wipe” such is his delirium. “Come on Hampton sing up” demands the same fan who has been trying all game to rouse the supporters, in response to more digs of “can you hear the Hampton sing?” from the BT fans.

Less than ten to go and BT win a free kick just outside the HB box. “They better not fucking score this” says one fan, they don’t, it's straight into the hands of the HB keeper who initiates a counterattack. Which as with most moves, breaks down in midfield, the game has officially becoming a bit of a slog, neither team really doing much up front.

I feel a few spots of rain on my face, but it doesn't last for long. “Ref they're taking the piss out of you” shouts one person, when the Predator is deemed to have fouled his marker, I think he was just showing off a bit of his trademark upper body strength.

“We’re sitting too deep” laments one HB supporter. I’m sure the BT fans can sense there is a chance they might just nick this in the final five minutes, they let out a rousing string of “iron, iron, iron” in anticipation. One of their orange streamers hangs from the goal in front of them, and one HB fan professes to needing “a piss” but doesnt wanna budge, because he doesn't want to “miss a goal”.

The news that there will be five minutes of added time is greeted with one of the loudest chants of “beavers, beavers, beavers” of the day. HB players have come out of their shells a bit too, “good pressure, good pressure” mutters one fan, as his team look to be having one final hurrah.

Quite against the run of play, it's all HB, “give us some magic” asks one supporter to a player.

“Dirty, dirty Essex” sing the fans now, following a BT foul on the edge of their box. “Come on score, it will be funny as fuck” snears one fan. “Ohhhhhh” they all cry at the attempt, but its not the winning goal. Admittedly it's not been the most entertaining of games, but I think I would still rather just see out the final few minutes, then play slaps like the couple next to us.

Extra time it is, the voice on the PA reminds everyone that its an “offence to go on the playing surface” which is greeted with laughs, “like that's going to stop anyone” points out one person. I take sit down among a sea of legs. The teen to my right leans over me, to talk to a friend about our video from the semi-final, unaware I’m right below him and his genitals are about an inch away from my face.

BT fans are staying put, the HB ones seem unsure what to do, eventually at the last minute they decide to swap ends, one staying behind points out it will take “fifteen minutes to get down there”. The PA once again tells all in attendance to “get behind the teams, come on beavers”.

An early BT chance sees many hands clasped to the back of heads, only for some relief when the keeper gets to the through ball before the attacker. “Thick fans throwing the ball back straight away” scorns one supporter, annoyed his fellow fans don't have the nouse to slow the game down a bit.

“Come on Hampton, got to get back in this game” pleads one person, after BT flash a header wide and somehow, somehow miss a near open goal, following a superb lofted ball into the box, a neat turn, but the shots ends up in a nearby tree.

I’m nearly overcome by the pungent smell of someone's nearby pickled onion Monster Munch, they however are not affecting the megaphone lady who continues to make her quiet offering to the atmosphere, stuffed toy still in hands.

In the next two minutes, are more chances on goal, then I think has been in the whole ninety minutes of regulation time. HB slide the ball to the back post, a scramble ensues in the box, for a moment it looks like they might poke home, but it ends up in the arms of the BT keerer, which is followed by shouts of “back pass” but the referee does not think so.

For a brief moment HB seem truly on top, for the first time since going ahead, only for BT to then go close themselves with a low bending shot that goes just wide of the foot of the post.

“Beavers, beavers” sing the home fans, truly unified for the first time today. HB then win a free kick in a good position, only for BT to win the ball back almost instantly, and it's only the scything tackle of one player, that stops the rapid BT forward from getting closer to goal, who had just rode three challenges, before he was stopped.

“You are my Hampton” sings a child with a very odd voice, who is then joined by the adults. His face a picture, he turns to his dad pumping his fists, “I did it”.

Still no goals, the teams swap ends for the second half of extra time, “we always do better coming this way, we’re going to win this now” says one BT fan confidently. The PA just before the restart, for what must be the fourth time now, cheers on his team, “come on the beavers”.

The HB fans are back, the flag is back, it now dances over the heads of the people behind us. One supporter has taken off his scarf and is whirling it above his head, this is the kind of noise from these fans we expected, finally finding their voice, better late than never.
“BT look tired” says Tom, who doesn’t see this going any other way than penalties. I’m not so sure, HB might have just peaked at the right time.

Still not feeling like any call is going their way, the HB fans froth at the mouth, so angry at the ref. “He lives” one shouts after a downed BT player who let out the most agonising scream gets back up. “Fucking clown” is how one fan brands the referee.

He just can't bare to watch a BT corner, so turns his back to the pitch, only turning back once it's cleared. The other fans don't have such worries, they are all going “bouncy, bouncy” again.

The half ends with late BT surge, “get into him” cries one person. There is one shout of “come on Hampton” so loud, one fan turns round in a near state of shock, patting her chest, implying the sheer volume of it nearly brought on a cardiac arrest.

Tom just shakes his head, BT were given the chance to win it on a plate, the ball across the area is not a difficult one to control, but the player on the edge of the six yard box fluffs his lines and will not be claiming the glory for himself.

Penalties it is.

“Sometimes you just don't like football” says a nearby HB fan, the penalty takers decided, one person confirming that it will be your standard old school ABAB routine when it comes to the spot kicks, and not the new fangled swedish pop group “ABBA”.

“I’m actually going to die”, “I can’t watch” are just some of the murmured comments from those around us.

Both teams lineup, arms around each other on the halfway line, here we go.

The first HB penalty is hardly convincing, but he scores it, punching his fist to the crowd. BT’s first taker steps us, “I hope this goes in the river”, I’m not sure where it ended up, but it's over, well over, HB ahead.

HB’s second is saved, by an ecstatic BT keeper, and BT’s second is put away, it's all level.

Up steps the Predator, “keep it simple” suggests one supporter, it's almost too simple, a bit lackluster the BT keeper almost getting a hand to it, but it squirms in.

“After two kicks its two all” says the voice over the PA.

BT score, and then its down to the HB number 10 who has been their stand out player of the match, there is some concern from those behind us about his record from the spot this season, and they have every right to be so, his kick heading towards the same spot on the river as the BT attempt earlier. He pulls his shirt up over his face, struggling to comprehend what has just happened.

BT score again, HB do too, probably their best penalty of the day, top right hand corner. It all comes down to this final kick for BT, score it and they are through.

We'd seen HB three times before today, every time they'd won, our good run comes to an end as the BT player dispatches his kick far out the reach of the HB keeper, wheeling away, the boos and jeers of the HB fans not enough to put him off. BT win, BT are promoted.

The BT fans unsurprisingly haven't paid any attention to the words of the voice over the PA said about not going on the pitch, a tidal wave of orange soon breaks over the barrier and floods towards the players and coaches. The HB fans in a quiet state of shock, applaud their departing players, having to watch what might just be one of the toughest sights in football, someone celebrating a promotion on your own patch.

All the National League gubbins is set up for the awarding of the gleaming silver trophy, that bares a striking resemblance to the FA Cup. BT’s manger is in floods of tears, and the voice over the PA tries in vein to instruct the BT fans to get off the pitch, telling them the presentation can’t happen until they do so.

A fantastic display of sportsmanship is shown by some HB fans, who applaud the BT players after their quick sprint back to the changing room. The HB players stand by dejected, some embracing BT players, commiserating and congratulating offered by each in equal measure. They have to watch on as each BT player is called up one by one up to receive their medal, as the fans, who are not quite off the pitch sing once again, “we’re just a pub team from Essex”.

The slightly Orwellian animal farm figure of Barwick is quick to get out of the way, having just handed over the trophy to the BT manager and captain, the bottles of fizz are soon popped, one player has got far too enthusiastic and crashes through the new erected boards, tumbling to the floor. Trophy held aloft, it’s not the players turn to sing, “we are going up”.

Many selfies, many tears, many hugs and many more songs about how “shit” Chelmsford City are, follow. The kids with flags as capes zoom around the pitch, players embrace fans and family members. One BT coach is already thinking about the post match party, “Sugar Hut, what?”. As one BT fan also called Dan put it, not the drum carrying one, “we finished 6th, we finished 6th”, which in his eyes makes what they have just done, that little bit more unbelievable.

I’m fairly sure a few peoples attempts to get their picture of the winning team, who happily pose for their fans, were ruined by the half inflated palm trees floating about. However no-one is fussed, they’re all too busy shouting, “iron, iron, iron”.

For once it's not the fact I didn't win the golden goal that is the saddest part of the day, but seeing the
HB fans who we have got to know, simply because of the amount of times we’ve seen them play, just how gutted they were. That is not to say we are not delighted for the couple of BT supporters we have also come to know.

I’m sure there is a Game Of Thrones reference one could make about BT, one family from the much watched show I’m sure are known as ‘ironborn’, who come from the Iron Islands but frankly I’m too frazzled to make it. Anyway the words of a mother dragging her family home, who walk past us in the car, are much better than any poor attempt by me to knit together the world of dragons and white walkers and that of non league football.

The reason she gives to her protesting brood for why they were going home, was phenomenal, “we’re all hungry, and dad has had enough to drink’’.


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Saturday 19 May 2018

It's Quite Hot You Know - King's Lynn Town FC Vs Slough Town FC, Evo-Stik Southern League Premier Play-Off Final 2018, The Walks (07/05/18)

I take it back, I take it all back. The day before at Chelmsford City was nothing, cold in comparison to today which is even hotter. It’s skin meltingly clinging to a chain link fence Terminator Two hot, I just can't cope.

Tom on the other hand is loving it, the heat wave has prompted him to discard his “winter cycle” of socks, and invest in some of those daft ankle high ones or “summer socks” as he calls them. It's a pack of them he has clutched in his hand when I pick him up from the car park of his local Sports Direct. Unlike me, his arms are uncovered, mine are all kinds of fucked up after the roasting they got in the Essex sun, they are throbbing, they hurt to use.

He is clearly not concerned with such problems, but has at least packed some sun cream as have I, I say packed my other half left some in the car for me, just before setting off. The colour of Toms neck though is looking a little suspect, a bit like beef jerky.

Allowing Tom full control of the radio, I’m reminded once again of his somewhat dubious taste in music. In his defence my radio is only able to tune into the most awful of stations, and Radio 4, but when he doesn’t think it's prudent to skip past Rod Stewart, Linkin Park and then Beyonce, I consider leaving him on the side of the road next to what we think was the inflated, rancid carcass of a “pig” that Tom is sure we just passed, to fend for himself.

Having relied solely on public transport in our early days to get around, I’m thankful more than ever for my motor, when we pass a National Express coach whose apparent big selling point is the fact it shows CNN on it. It also allows us the freedom to stop for necessary provisions, if and when they are required.

In the middle of a secluded coppice, next to a Burger King, I fill up with petrol, while Tom heads off on snack duty. Returning with a single small bottle of Lucozade and a family sized bag of salt and vinegar crisps, I again consider abandoning him.

It’s not that I’m not a fan of salt and vinegar, but a couple of handfuls in, and both our faces have started to pucker, Tom even admitting his mouth “hurts” a bit. It’s not exactly the refreshing flavour one desires on a day like today. At least he has a cold drink to wash it all down with, I have to make do with the lukewarm bottle of water that's been rolling around in the foot well of the passenger seat behind me for months.

The further we head into East Anglia the closer our final destination gets, our final destination that according to Tom is east of Manchester, which was a huge concern of his the evening before when we talked about set off times, and he thought it was going to be a really long one. King’s Lynn being east of Manchester, just like London is north west of Cape Town.

“Looks like Spain, very beige, like being on holiday” Tom declares. The dazzling sun already seemingly bleaching the countryside around us, giving everything that slightly oven baked Mediterranean look.

Quite suddenly though it's all change, horizon to horizon of luscious green. Navigating the narrow and empty elevated roads of The Fens, there is nothing to look at but never ending fields. What look like toy tractors manned by miniature farmers, stick out, tending to their crops.

It has been quite a drastic change in scenery, all of a sudden we’ve found ourselves on the great prairie lands of North America. Toms compassion to our surroundings looking like Spain, is now replaced with “Texas”. Winding our way through chocolate box villages, past moored boats, and little riverside pubs, it was definitely some of the more stunning scenery we’ve ever seen this season, beats Bromley any day.

“Norfolk Nelson's County” reads the small road side sign. Never confident at all that my Sat Nav is sending us the right way, and as nice as the backdrop to our drive had been, there was a definite sense that we were going to end up in the middle of nowhere, it is comforting to know we are in at least the right county, and one with such an illustrious son, I thought Stephen Fry was about as good as it got round here.

We are soon greeted by some ornate roundabout decor informing us we have finally arrived in King’s Lynn. Not far away and the signs of a football match are soon apparent, men in hi viz jackets, whispering into walkie talkies and people, lots of people.

The queue from the ticket office, the small windows under the big blue sign that reads, “Welcome To King’s Lynn Town FC” (KL), are doing frantic business. Each person turning away once their transaction is concluded, has their tickets in one hand and a broad if not ever so slightly nervous look on their face.

The railings used to demark the usual space to queue, are now defunct, the line of people still waiting, one with a club scarf hanging from his belt, now reaches far beyond them, off up the road along a long dark fence.

Sticking almost exclusively to the shade of the nearby trees, although sometimes venturing in to the glare and unforgiving heat of the sun, is the club's mascot “Lionel”, according to Tom. A six foot yellow bird wandering among the people waiting in the ever growing line, I don't know how Tom knows his name already, or if it’s even true, we've only been here for five minutes.

I’m no ornithological expert, but “Lionel” if that is even his real name, doesn't look much like a Common Linnet, of which he is impersonating. He is far too garish a yellow, admittedly just like the one on the KL badge, but nothing like the real thing, which is more of a dappled brown, than a gaudy yellow.

I thought The Linnets, which is also the clubs nickname, were a late 60’s all female soul trio, and not a football club, let alone a bird.

Once past Lionel, who had more the menacing air now I think about it of a bouncer, patrolling his patch, than a cheery club mascot, we are treated to our first glimpses of a ground, I had heard was a bit special, I had seen some pictures of online, but none of what I had been told or seen, does it justice.

Where to begin with The Walks. After the previous afternoon, straining our eyes from the other side of a running track, to the pitch in its middle, the home of KL could not be more different. It’s not small by any means, but it feels intimate. It is impossible to not stand and stare at the truly wonderful main stand, which is like something from the pages of a glossy book about football grounds of yesteryear. It would not be out of place among black and white pictures of the Baseball ground or Filbert Street.

With its mixture of blue and yellow seats, which keep on climbing up and up towards its flat back wall, it really is a relic, but I mean that in the nicest possible way. It’s like a classic car, its age and design bestowing a timeless class upon it, the kind of which you just don't get with modern stadiums. With it’s bare beams and corrugated roof and sheer size, I’m not sure we’ve ever really seen anything quite like it before.

That is not it though, although there is nothing else quite as stand out as the main stand. Opposite it running the whole length of the pitch is a sizable strip of covered terracing stretching from one corner flag to the other, and behind each goal a narrow section to stand.

One slightly broader that the other, it allows for a few more steps and a couple of ageing blue railings. At its back the same fence the fans were queueing along outside, inside the home fans flags have already been hung on it, looking almost regal with their vibrant blues and yellows glimmering in the sun.

Ground geek out over, it's time for some shade and a cold drink. On one corner of the main stand, a small UPVC door leads you to a cool little nook with a slanted ceiling because of the seats above. Decorated with framed home shirts, and furnished with a couple of faux leather sofas, we find the small club bar and and even smaller club shop.

The price of a drink is quite reasonable, the queue is yet to reach the astronomical proportions of later in the day, and I even manage to find a spot on one sofa, the youngest of my immediate neighbours by about fourty years. Some of whom have such impenetrable accents I can barely decipher what they are saying.

The shop though, well lets just say, is not quite as good value for money as the bar.

I admit I feel a little bad for the young lady manning it, when I make her repeat the price three times, and make sure we are talking about the same thing, ensuring its the scarf, the polyester scarf that she is asking £20 for. Tom thinks maybe she thinks I mean the slightly plush one that doesn't taper into tassells like your bog standard football scarf, but ends with the outline of the KL home kit, so I reiterate once more, that I only want the standard blue and yellow one, the kind of which that doesn't keep you warm, due to its synthetic nature and that you can pick up outside most Premier League grounds for £10, that she wants £20 for.

I feel like I’m cross examining her, so stop. I thought there was a slim chance of fainting today because of the heat, I never thought I would be feeling light headed because of the price of a souvenir. We back out slowly, Tom getting his pin, me trying to not avoid any further medical complications, when I see the price of a plastic water bottle.

With still ninety minutes to kick off, seats in the stand are clearly at a premium, as people have already like tourists on a package holiday, thrown down their metaphorical towels to secure a
spot. Space for flags in the away end, yes today is segregated, is less difficult to come by. A single Slough Town FC (ST) flag has been hung, it looks like a bit of a homemade jobbie, in black paint on a white sheet, “Rebels”.

Having seemingly softened his attitude Lionel with his piercing brown eyes, is doing a bit of a meet and greet with some young fans, who don't seem at all threatened by his stubby blue wings. On the pitch both sets of players, casually stroll about, taking in the sun.

The players departure is the cue for the man next to me, who by the looks of it is attempting to covertly turn on the sprinklers. My first thought is how much I would like to stick my head in its stream, my second thought is why is the man turning them on looking so guilty, like he's not supposed to be doing it.

More and more flags have been added in the home end, a real mixture, that only add to the sense of the big occasion. The occasional passing cars, continue to beep their horns in support.

There has been such an influx of people since our short pit stop for a Coke on the sticky sofas, next to the gold dust scarves. Many of whom are wearing a vast array of different age and style home kits, as well as ones in West Ham, Millwall, Luton and even a BVB strip. The local BBC reporters with their headphones on, are standing in front of the home dugout, talking loudly into their microphones.

Tom has caught the whiff of something, “smells like Shepherd's pie” however he thinks his chances already of getting something to eat are slim to none. The queue for the bar is now out the door, and is the main topic of many passing conversations.

It’s not food, but where we are going to stand today that is concerning me. With the heat steadily increasing, and thinking I may well have seen the first victim of the hot weather, a man wearing his walking stick around his neck, I had spotted earlier a nice little spot at one corner of the pitch, near the way in, fully in the shade of the large nearby trees, but that looks to have been taken.

I can't do another whole day in the sun like yesterday, I’ll turn into a pork scratching. The small contingent of ST fans, who have added to their flag collection have gathered under the roof of their small section of the covered terrace. The rest are fully exposed to the suns rays, but I don't think I want to stand in a metal roofed shed all day either, I imagine it's a little bit like something from the Deer Hunter under there.

There is some wonderful irony, most definitely not of the Alanis Morissette kind, when the KL players arrive for their warm up to Glenn Frey’s ‘The Heat Is On’. A single blue and yellow flag, and a smaller chequered one of the same colour, are being waved at the end of thin white plastic flag poles in the stand behind me. The players are greeted not only by the tune from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack, but also plenty of clapping and shouts of encouragement, “come on lads”.

The amount of sunburn on show is staggering, men and women walkabout brazenly with large slabs of pink, red and scarlet flesh on show, with no attempt to protect themselves. Having come to terms with the fact they are already burnt, I can only assume that they are happy to just put some more burn on top, they will be in agony tonight.

“By far the greatest team, the world has ever seen” sing a small section of the home crowd, already packed tightly, as everyone is everywhere, I’m shoulder to shoulder with a paramedic eating a chocolate muffin, into the covered terrace opposite us.

The muffled voice of the PA, is far from clear, but the fans of both teams still give the customary cheer after each players name is read out from the lineups, even though I’m not sure they can really make out what is being said. When the ST players close to finishing off their warm up, they are serenaded with shouts of “rebels, rebels, rebels” all while David Bowie sings ‘Heroes’.

If only the person in charge of the music had had the foresight to play ‘Rebel, Rebel’ instead, it would have completed the musical irony circle completely.

When the KL players leave, back down the short blue caged tunnel at the base of the stand, the flags are going again just above it, and it's loud, really loud.

Both sets of fans are singing, both sets of fans are building towards the kick off, there are plenty of signs already that today could be a bit special. The atmosphere takes a bit of a dent when the announcement over the PA informs us that down to “police advice” the games start has been postponed by thirty minutes, because of the sheer amount of people still outside, waiting to get in.

The chanting dips ever so slightly, the fans straining to hear the quiet PA’s announcement, but they are soon back to singing at full force. The pocket of by far the most raucous of the home fans on the terrace are still bouncing, arms still in the air, repeating a particular chant, that on days like today can be prolific, and I’ll be humming for weeks, “we’re on our way”.

By far the most intelligent person I’ve seen today is the man with the small fan built into the brim of his blue baseball cap, blowing cool air directly at his face, the least intelligent person is the old man in a fleece and shirt who is wandering around, somehow oblivious to the fact that it is nearly 30c.

With the delay comes a significant amount of thumb twiddling, I can confirm that the paramedic has finished his muffin and KL have gone back to their changing rooms, having reappeared briefly to confirm the delay. ST though are still outside, a few hide in the shade of the dugout, a few stand around with hands on hips, one practises his kick ups.

The sprinklers are still going, they are manoeuvred about the pitch by their long hoses, sitting on top of what is clearly the bottom half of a shopping trolley, very Scrapheap Challenge or shit Robot Wars depending on your view. The crowd clamour once again, as the KL players reemerge to complete their warm up. Those going through their pre match routines nearest the singing section in the terrace are applauded, and they duly applaud back

“Come on boys lets go” is the instruction of one ST coach, no more time for sitting about, “Slough Town, Slough Town” respond their fans to seeing their players coming back to life. “Rebels, rebels, rebels” they chant again as the players get closer..

Someone very cruelly has made the long line of fidgeting mascots stay in place near the mouth of the tunnel, the time they have had to stand around doing nothing is starting to show, some frankly looking a bit fed up. The teams are read out again, and again its faint cheers from the away fans, much louder ones from the home ones, which is then followed by an apology for the “short run of programmes” apparently they have sold out.

The ST goalkeeping coach wets his gloves in the sprinklers, a novel way to aid with a bit of added traction. I used to have to spit in mine, which I never liked.

Like a never ending game of hokey cokey, the players leave the pitch once more.  A couple of home fans near us start to discuss their teams chances for the afternoon ahead. The fact that ST play on a 3G, means that one fans thinks that KL might have a slight advantage, “few nobbles on this pitch could cause them a few problems”.

The roar that eventually welcomes the teams after their in out in out shake it all about last thirty minutes is nothing short of marvellous. Much like at Chelmsford the previous day, it's a kind of atmosphere we are just not used to. With the wonderful main stand packed, as is every other square inch of the place, I’ll be able to tell you what the paramedic eats next if I wait long enough, it could be mistaken for a game much higher up the pyramid.

Again like our sweaty day in Essex, both sets of fans are giving it everything, “come on King’s Lynn, come on King’s Lynn” is the chant coming from the mass of bobbing heads in the covered terrace, along from them the other side of the makeshift partition, which is basically a bit of flimsy fencing off a building site, the ST fans have gone all 90’s Brit Pop and are singing a song to the tune of Blurs ‘Parklife’.

More and more shouts come from all quarters, “come on the Lynn”, as the referee prepares to kick off.

It's not from the best of angles we see KL crash a shot off the bar after just five minutes. There is not even the smallest gap to squeeze into, the brick wall that surrounds the pitch in places, is a perfect place to rest a beer and watch the game up against. The flag covered terrace is jammed too, we eventually find a place to stand, but for what might be the first time ever, our view is obscured by the sheer amount of people.

Most if not all home songs emanate from the covered terrace, where one fan, a young one, a really young one, is held in his father's arms wearing blue ear defenders, “come on King’s Lynn, come on King’s Lynn”.

Not long after hitting the woodwork, KL flash a ball at about head height across the box, the ST keeper in short sleeves, who has forgone wanting the ability to lift his arms tomorrow, for being a bit cooler now, gets a diving hand to it, just about flapping it away from the danger zone.

“We're gonna score in a minute” sing the home fans, and it feels just like they might. The ST keeper seems a tad rattled, every goal kick gets a "woahhhh you’re shit" he has without doubt been the busier of the two in the opening ten minutes. It might be the beer or the sun, but one nearby fan is feeling supremely confident, “we’ve got this in the bag easy, Slough already feeling the pressure”.

ST finally get a chance at goal, but its soft, the keeper still deciding to parry the shot through, not sure
why, hearts flutter for a minute, but he eventually gathers it easily. Their attempt on goal is followed by the single blast of a horn from somewhere in the away end, as well as more rowdy shouts of “rebels, rebels, rebels”.

Any movement in the KL area results in an almighty dust cloud being kicked up, and I wonder if it's that which the KL keeper will blame his air sliced, almost Paul Robinson Vs Croatia clearance, that lucky for him goes out for a corner. “If we concede from this” laments a home fan, and they almost do. The resulting header is on target, but also right into the arms of the man in goal.

“Come on King’s Lynn” sings the main stand, which quickly spreads throughout the ground. With just over twenty minutes gone, ST have a shot blocked, that wins them another corner. The away fans replicating the recent home song, but with a subtle difference, “come on Slough Town”.

Twenty five minutes on the clock, and KL take the lead. Our view of it is not great. We can see the floated in free kick to the back post well enough, and then the header back across goal, but it's only the actions of the fans down front that confirms the ball has been bundled in.

We eventually see a glimpse of the celebrating players who have rushed across the pitch towards the terrace. This view is then impeded further by a man, who I can only describe as going mental. He has scaled the low wall, his pint just about still in hand, but he’s lost at least half of it, as he violently punches the air.

“We are going up, we are going up” sing the already confident fans, who now a goal ahead, are even more cocksure.

As has been the case these first thirty minutes or so, KL’s chances come in bursts, and they almost pull two ahead straight away. The short sleeved keeper flaps again at a cross, the KL player with his back to goal, does an overhead kick to get the ball back into the six yard box, the header that follows is just wide. “Dodgy keeper” sing the fans before turning back to a more upbeat tune, “we’re on our way”.

I suspect it's not because of the oppressive heat that some in the covered terrace are now topless, I’m putting it down to hysteria. The group then suggests to all those that can hear that it's time to “have a disco”. The noise of the crowd is really something else, one nearby fan mimics another nearby, who is let's say slightly inebriated, “you say what we need to say” he explains, when the pissed fan realises he is being mocked.

The explanation of one supporter for having bare arms, the sun now pounding against my forehead, making me feel woozy, is not a justifiable excuse for third degree burns, “suns out, guns out”.

“Can you hear the Slough Town sing?” ask the home fans, but don't have to wait long for a response. ST, who have certainly grown into the game, after a bit of a slow start, then send a shot just wide, causing a collective intake of breath from the supporters around us.

There is a near constant stream of people on the beer run, like ants they head off in single file, coming back not with a bit of a leaf or dismembered wasp, but with armfuls of beer. Showing the same body weight to strength ratio as the insect, many carrying far more than they actually should be able to. The boy with the elephant bubble blower, walking along, not paying much attention to the match, doesn't have such concerns.

Their number still as healthy as at the start, the group in the terrace are not heading off for refreshments yet, “we all follow the King’s Lynn over land and sea” they sing, they are not going to miss a second of the match, belting out another song to the tune of the Addams Family, “we’re the King’s Lynn family”. They even pose a question to their fellow fans, fans they wonder may only be here because of the occasion, the sun and that its a bank holiday “where were you when we were shit?”.

There is still the odd beeping horn from passing cars, and one loud shout of “come on you Linnets” prompts Tom to look over his shoulder, towards the high wooden fence, asking “is someone outside?”.

The KL keepers kicking ability is soon brought into question again, with two very iffy kicks in a row. Seeing this rouses the horn in the away end, it giving up one of its infrequent blasts.

ST have looked threatening since the start from the few corners they have had, and its via a late set piece that they draw level, with only minutes left of the half to play. What some might call a towering header, sends the ball through the considerable dust cloud, passed the keeper and into the back of the net.

It’s the turn of a ST fan in a pork pie hat to mount the wall, from on high he waits for the charging players who celebrate below him, other fans embracing the scorer as does his teammates, for getting the crucial goal.

“Rebels, rebels, rebels” sing the away end, which gets a quick reply from the home end, “we forget that you were here. This jibe does not deter them from offering up a different tune, “oh when the Town got marching in”. A song for the home fans starts in response high up in the back of the stand, and soon spreads throughout the crowd once more, “come on King’s Lynn”.

The home fans who not long ago were asking if they should “sing a song” for the ST ones, can put that particular chant to the back of the song book, as they are more than happy singing their own ones now.

From the hushed groans and sighs around us and the near delirious scenes in the way end, it's fair to say it is the visitors who go inside the happier at the break. The voice over the PA is quick to confirm the score and the players seem just as quick to get inside and out of the sun, and so are we.

Even Tom who is positively reptilian when it comes to sun worshipping has had enough. For fourty five minutes straight we have stood with the sun beaming down us, we are done, it’s time to move.

As pulsating as it is, the covered terrace still doesn't look very appealing. The combination of the collective body heat and metal roof, still makes me think it would be very unpleasant under there. It would be wishful thinking on our part to think we have any chance of getting a spot in the stand among the flag wavers, so the only place for us, is at the other end of the pitch among the rebels.

While we manoeuvre ourselves through the dense crowd, reminiscent of a music festival, such is the amount of flesh on show and pints of lager, the ST fans are taking their turn to goad the home ones, whose lack of noise, they think is worth bringing up, “you’re supposed to be at home”.

Having finally been able to get anywhere near something to eat, Tom learns that the outdoor grill in the away end has “sold out of burgers”. As much as I feel for him, I’ve just spent nearly £10 on bottled water, doing my best to replenish some of the fluid lost in the first half.

The shade of the fence and the large trees behind it, is a welcome relief. I take the risk of sitting down on one of the gravelly steps, as I’m not 100% sure if I will be able to get back up again. Sipping slowly at my child water, trying to savour every drop, the response of one sitting ST fan next to us, to the chant of the seemingly Duracell powered ST fans in their corner of the terrace who ask “stand up if you’re here for the Slough” is perfect, “it's quite hot you know”.

Tom doesn't have long to dwell on missing out on a burger, the players are soon back out, both greeted with their own chorus from their respective fans, “rebels, rebel, rebels”, “oh when the Lynn go marching in”.

Sensing perhaps an increased chance of some kind of coming together, to suggest clashes would be a bit dramatic, but clearly feeling in their policy waters of growing tensions between the two sets of fans separated only by the wobbly fence and some very flushed looking stewards, the very small police presence from earlier in the day has grown considerably, and they add their authoritative weight to the party.

Slightly unorthodoxly, but it sounds like the halftime draw is being announced after the game has already restarted. I scramble around for the tickets I got from the Barbara Windsor look a like earlier, but even when I eventually find them, I can’t make out what the PA is saying.

I must admit we are a lot more comfortable now in the away end, there is a bit more room for starters, but also the shade is very welcome. It is though not any less entertaining. Fewer in number certainly, however the ST fans are without a doubt holding their own, the song to the tune Parklife “so many rebels” is on a near uninterrupted loop.

Also our new position means I can see who has been responsible for the single blasts of the horn from this end, the old chap in the blue and yellow jester hat, with bells, and scarf, has a large white horn slung around his neck.

There are a few tasty challenges flying in early on, one in particular from a KL player is followed by shouts of “off, off, off” from the ST supporters, but the player responsible for the far from clean tackle only gets a yellow.

“Keep them out rebels” pleads one fan in yellow nearby, after a KL shot on goal, that in the end was more than routine for the keeper to save, but highlights the fact that it's the home side who have come out on top in the opening ten minutes.

The visitors have a vast array of different chants, despite the opinion of the home fans that they’ve
“only got one song”. Many are being started by the young capo in the covered terrace.

“You're going home in a combine harvester” is what I think you might call bespoke, crafted to be relevant to the place they are in, for example I’m not sure that one would work so well in North West London. However there are plenty of others, plenty more each as loud and passionately sung as the one before “Slough Town, Slough Town” and after one particular fluent move in attack they suggest they are the “Brazil of the Southern League”.

Since the break, the game has certainly ebbed and flowed a lot more, instead of long periods of only going one way. ST have a shot deflected over, which gets a lines of “rebels, rebels”. They have a another attempt, this time its blocked and once again they respond with their now familiar war cry “rebels, rebels”. All the action in their area has quietened the home fans slightly, which is not lost on the traveling supporters, “you're supposed to be at home”.

A break in play, brought about by what looked like a clash of heads, allows the downed players to be treated and for the rest of the players to take on some much needed water. It also allows the ST fans to simmer a bit, after their seething shouts of “cheat, cheat, cheat” following what they thought was a KL player going down a bit too easily, just prior to the injury.

“Come on make some noise” demands one ST fan, who doesn't have to ask twice, “Slough, Slough, Slough”. A rather ruddy faced man with a can in his hand, takes it upon himself to goad the KL fans though the cordon, rather sloppily, and isn't paid much attention.

Nearly half and hour gone, and the game has shifted back KL’s way now, it is they applying plenty of pressure on the ST keepers goal, who is far too fair haired for short sleeves, and will be suffering tomorrow. “What game you watching?” screams one ST fan towards the referee, when he awards KL a free kick, a free kick that is whipped in excellently, but is eventually cleared.

“Wanker, wanker, wanker” they sing now towards the man in charge, oblivious it would seem to just how dangerous that ball into the box looked for a second. In fact there's plenty of loud fan commentary, when KL get a foul given against them, it's their supporters turn to let the referee know what they think, “you’re not fit to referee”.

“It's going to extra time isn't it” says Tom, upset I imagine because he had not long ago told me he was “hungry”, and now there will be even more of a gap before he can get something to eat.

One ST defender stretches on the centre circle, watching on as the rest of his teammates attack a corner. They have looked so threatening all afternoon from set pieces, and it looks as good away as any for them to get a winner, and more importantly will allow Tom to get some chicken nuggets sooner rather than later.

“Come on Linnets” shouts one fan from back of the stand. With under ten minutes to go, the game is getting tenser by the second, each team so conscious of not making a mistake. The away fans though don't seem to be displaying any such signs of stress, not the ones on the terrace at least, they are boisterously singing about drinking the “bar dry”.

The KL players are still arguing with the referee, as he waves play on, the ball still in play, moving now up the pitch. “That was a hand ball” says Tom, the ST defender lucky to get away with stopping the hooked over the shoulder shot from the KL player in the six yard box. The appeal of the home fans is huge, but falls on deaf ears, much like the players remonstrations.

“Cheat, cheat, cheat” chant the home supporters.

The lady next to me can barely bare to watch, she's going to groan or sigh herself some kind of injury, if she carries on how she is for the remaining five minutes. Her and those around her want to see the ball played on the ground, it's “all up in the air” she comments, “get it down boys” shouts another. Interestingly one points out, as the KL fans had earlier, that the natural pitch is maybe causing them some problems, “pitch is bobbly”.

“He dropped it, he dropped it” gasps one ST supporter, when at the far end the KL keeper drops what looks like a simple cross from a corner, right at his feet, only for the ball to be crashed away, before any ST player can capitalise. Despite what looks like a reasonably diddy front line, and the lack of threat the numerous highballs into them have been, they continue to look so menacing from corners.

With maybe a minute or two left to play, Tom is sure the ST keeper is now playing for extra time and spot kicks, “I think they want penalties, the keeper is slowing everything down” he points out.

What do you know, when you play to a players strengths, good things will happen. Pumping long balls up to a guy under 6 foot, is never likely to pay off. However play it to his feet, add a little bit of individual magic, a classy chop inside to avoid the defender, and a cool side footed finish, with one minute, yes one minute of normal time to play, ST have taken the lead.

“Oh Manny, Manny. Manny, Manny, Manny Williams” sing the fans, the scorer followed by his teammates meander to the corner of the pitch to celebrate, right in front of the home fans, this provokes someone into throwing something, but does not from where we are, seem to ruin the moment.

The woman who was only minutes ago, was and groaning and tutting is now screaming, having half mounted the wall herself, while one young fan, I’m not sure knows what to do with himself, charges up and down the crumbling steps, pumping his fist, mouth opened wide, simply shouting “yes, yes, yes, yes”.

There will be “four minutes of extra time” says the voice over the PA, who sounds like the wind has  been knocked right out of his sails. The same though cannot be said for the home fans, who give it one last “come on King’s Lynn, come on King’s Lynn”

As you can imagine in the away end, their sails are fully blown, the songs now even more frequent, somehow even louder, “la, la, la, la, la,Slough town” .

In the seconds and minutes following the final whistle, and for about the next half an hour, I think I would be right in saying it might be the most hectic, frantic and at times verging on the the unsavoury end to game in our three years.

"We are going up" is the song now being sung. It is by far the loudest of all the many songs they've not stopped singing all day. The players have joined their jubilant fans in their little corner of the ground, a few have entered the pitch, dancing, arms aloft, pumping the air. Its only for the shorts, that you are able to distinguish player from supporter. The stewards do their best to usher the fans off the pitch, but its slow going.

All this revelry is not going down well with a small section of the home fans, those who had been on the terrace for the game. Quite quickly it is clear that the cordon is not robust enough to hold them back the baying supporters, who are not taking kindly to having their defeat so brazenly rubbed in their faces.

Going full Maginot Line, instead of going through the defences, they just go around them, soon many are hopping over the low wall on to the pitch and are making their way towards the ST fans. This unfortunately means batons are quickly drawn and put into attack position, also from somewhere a very large, very angry looking dog black dog appears, straining at its leash.

Amongst all the joy is a shed load of heartbreak, many of the KL players are strewn across the floor around their dugout distraught in defeat. They are forced to watch on as a small table is brought out, and the winners medals and trophy are placed on top.

With the angry home fans still on the pitch, yelling from behind the police line, it was probably ill
advised to allow the awarding of the silverware to be done, with them still on the pitch. The chants of "we are going up" now from the players, who are spraying each other with fizz and posing for pictures, was perhaps a bit ill advised. It's at the point where we come the closest to any actual conflict, when the small group of idiots start surging towards the now medal wearing players, only to be forced back once again by the threat of being hit with a baton.

The stadium all but empty now, the KL manager finishes up with the considerable group of press that had surrounded him and the task of tidying up starts to begin, the ST fans have been held back. Now in the opposite corner to where they had spent the day, they don't seem bothered one bit about any delay to getting home, it just means more time to sing, sing, sing, "its the Slough Town boys making all the noise".

I heard two things today, I never thought I would ever hear Tom say, "that dog wanted blood" and "someone is hog tied on the pitch". To stress it was a very small minority, as it always is, that slightly marred the end of the match, but the actions of a few should not reflect badly on the majority of KL fans who where exemplary.

The ST keeper win his "lucky" Snow White towel, the second ST goal scorer in the fans pork pie hat, the supporter on the pitch conducting the fans in the stand, "la, la, la, la Slough Town", the stunning ground, the "inspired substitution" as one person put it, when describing the introduction late on of "Manny, Manny, Manny Williams" who grabbed the winner and even the plain clothes policemen, with hands pressed to their ears all contributed to a day the kind of which only happen at this time of year. The kind of game where so much is in the balance, where emotions are amplified and a single goal can be the difference between crowning glory to end of the perfect season, or absolute anguish.

'Love Will Tear Us Apart' was one of the pop classics the ST fans appropriated at one point today. If you're a KL fan, rubbing after sun into your obliterated arms and are nursing a hangover, its football that tore you apart this bank holiday weekend.


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